JOKES

Jokes in English for the ESL/EFL Classroom

1) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

2) The First 3 Years of Marriage

• In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
• In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
• In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

3) This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke-- especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers. It also illustrates an important gramatical difference between languages (genders of nouns).

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, señor, 'la mosca'... es femenino."

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said,

"Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

Submitted by: Gary Cooper, Dallas, Texas

4) The teacher speaking to a student said, "David, name two pronouns."
David who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?" Submitted by: Abu Jouri

5) Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it? Student: Obviously it is the past tense. Submitted by: Abu Jouri

6) My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

7) The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' .
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'.
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
Submitted by: Adriana Luchetti

8) Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó

9) Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly.
Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez

10) PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER: " Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó

11) Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.